A Commitment to Myself

For those of you who don't me, my name is Lacy. I'm 23 years old, and I'm a graduate student studying Psychology. I have the most supportive family anyone could ask for, and I love them with all my heart. My life is fantastic for the most part. The problem lies within a part of myself that I've hidden for a long time now.

I used to think that the problem was that I was overweight, but now I see that it's so much more than that. I'm not as happy as I could be because I hold myself back from being everything I can. I use food as an escape, and I've become quite a masterful escape artist. But let me tell you what I haven't been able to escape from yet...

Every day I feel trapped in my body. I look in the mirror and feel disgust and sadness. I'm unhappy with what I've let myself become. I admit, too many times, my desire to change has come from a bad place. From a self-hating and self-deprecating place where I'll never be good enough. I avoid going out because I can't find anything to wear that makes me feel like myself. When I do go out, I'm constantly pulling on my clothes, trying to make them sit right. But most of the time I just feel uncomfortable. I don't have a lot of energy, especially when I'm not eating well. When I eat bad food, I get to the point where nothing even sounds appetizing anymore. Food becomes a punishment. An escape from the world. I don't really eat bad food during the day. It's at night when I'm alone and hiding. It's not even just that I'm hiding from other people. If I could hide from myself, I would. I've been "conventionally attractive" before, and I've also been "fat." Fat is an ugly word. Everyone hates it. But it's the truth of the matter, and I'm not hiding from the truth anymore.

The way people look at me then versus now is insane. The whole world changes depending on how you look and how you feel. When I was thinner, the world was nice to me. People opened doors for me, smiled at me, were more helpful to me, and looked at me when they talked to me. What's funny is that people don't even realize how different they act to an overweight person. Now, it's not that people make fun of me. No one has ever called me names because I'm overweight. No one looks disgusted. Everyone just looks through me. I'm invisible. Even when people talk to me, they barely look me in the eyes anymore. Knowing how it feels on both sides of the spectrum is so interesting. I think because of that, I will always have a unique perspective on the issue that only other people who have been through the same thing will understand.

My professor once told me that the best thing you can do is just be understanding, because it's the only way you'll like yourself. Well, that's not just to other people. It extends to yourself as well. You have to understand yourself. Embrace who you are and don't be afraid of it.

I recently committed to Yoga Teacher Training, which is a 200 hour intense training experience in the art of yoga. YTT is a game-changer for me. I mean, it's a huge commitment... to myself and a better future.

Every time I've ever tried to lose weight and live right in the past, it's been "I have to do this" or "I want to do this." But I'm not sure I ever really believed myself. Now it's just, "I'm going to do this." No matter how long it takes, I will get there. I'm sure where "there" is yet, but I know I'm headed in the right direction. I'm living like the person I want to be... the person who has been there all along under this suit.

I start YTT in March. I'll be going to training almost every other weekend. Every weekend is 14 hours of training. And I have a lot of stuff to do at home too. But it will be good for me. I'll see myself transform mentally and physically. I can't wait to see who I am in October when the training is over. :)