First of all, today is mother's day. I have to take a second to acknowledge my wonderful, beautiful, inspiring, loving mother! I feel thankful to have had such an amazing mom growing up, and I continue to feel blessed every day to have her as my mommy!
So today I am sitting here curled up on my couch with my cat in my lap while it's pouring rain outside. It's the perfect day to relax and contemplate life. It's things like this that make me happy. It's not bad food that does. Bad food makes you happy like being an adulterer does. It may be fun, but you're sure as hell going to feel guilty. This isn't happiness. It's PLEASURE.
Let's talk about some of the things that make me genuinely HAPPY: having a clean room, organizing (I'm so weird), my cats (especially when they sleep in my lap!), the rain, the feeling I get after a good workout, giving compliments, singing, my family, when someone flashes their lights at me to signal there's a cop coming up!... Lots more than that, but those are the few that immediately come up.
Instead of living a life based on momentary pleasure, I vow to do at least a couple things a day that make me HAPPY.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
Recommitting
I haven't been consistent with posting at all, but I plan to start being serious about it. Or, perhaps more correctly, I plan to start enjoying it. I want this blog to be here and active, both for me and for anyone who might find inspiration from it. So here's to getting to know one another better!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
"When I get to my goal weight..." and Other Excuses Not to Live Life
Have you ever thought to yourself, "I will be able to do _____ when I get to my goal weight." Or what about, "After I get this busy part of my life over with, I will be able to treat myself." These are excuses to wait to really live and enjoy your life. I'm guilty of them as much as anyone else... probably more.
One of those situations happened today. My friend asked me if I wanted to go kayaking on Saturday. Now I love kayaking. I think that it is so fun, and the prospect of it excited me. But then there's this voice in my head that comes up. I start to get petrified thinking about everything. "What if the kayak can't hold me? What if I hold everyone back? What if they leave me?" I start to think that maybe I should wait to go kayaking until I am at a lower weight or more physically strong. But then I wonder to myself why I let me hold myself back. I am making excuses not to do the things I want because I'm scared.
I've always wanted to be the strong one, but I've gone about it the wrong way. Instead of trying new things, I just don't want to try something until I know I won't fail. I don't want to mess up, so I won't admit I want anything. It sounds ludicrous when I write it, but in my head, it makes sense. I keep waiting until I feel good enough. Then when I'm good enough, I can look strong. But really I'm just weak for waiting. For being scared and letting that fear rule me.
So here's to kayaking on Saturday at my current weight with the strength of overcoming my fear.
One of those situations happened today. My friend asked me if I wanted to go kayaking on Saturday. Now I love kayaking. I think that it is so fun, and the prospect of it excited me. But then there's this voice in my head that comes up. I start to get petrified thinking about everything. "What if the kayak can't hold me? What if I hold everyone back? What if they leave me?" I start to think that maybe I should wait to go kayaking until I am at a lower weight or more physically strong. But then I wonder to myself why I let me hold myself back. I am making excuses not to do the things I want because I'm scared.
I've always wanted to be the strong one, but I've gone about it the wrong way. Instead of trying new things, I just don't want to try something until I know I won't fail. I don't want to mess up, so I won't admit I want anything. It sounds ludicrous when I write it, but in my head, it makes sense. I keep waiting until I feel good enough. Then when I'm good enough, I can look strong. But really I'm just weak for waiting. For being scared and letting that fear rule me.
So here's to kayaking on Saturday at my current weight with the strength of overcoming my fear.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
VA Beach
I told myself that I would post about going on my yoga retreat to Virginia Beach, but when it came time, I couldn't find words for it. I love to write, but sometimes deciding to get on and blog is something that I don't feel like I have "time" to do. It's not even that it takes a long time. I'm not sure what it is. It's kind of like when someone writes you a long email and you check it and think to yourself, "Oh, I'll write them back later." But then later when you remember the email, you feel like it's too late and that there's nothing to respond to anymore. Anyway, I finally decided that it wasn't too late.
First of all, I feel like I have to take a moment to consider how lucky I am. How many people can say that their whole family could go to a yoga retreat together? I mean maybe a person could get their spouse to go, but parents and their two daughters? I just think that's awesome. I am so incredibly blessed to have a family who can not only decide to go but appreciate and relish it. It's fantastic.
We arrived at Virginia Beach on Friday night. The hotel/conference center where we were staying looked, as my sister said, "like a cruise ship" complete with the spiral staircase and silver accent decor. The whole town of VA Beach looks like it is stuck in the 90s.... or maybe even earlier. But that was a cool part of it. I felt like I got transferred to some other time period where I could relax and forget the outside world for awhile. It was the perfect place to vacation. Friday night, the whole group of people (maybe 75?) got an introduction and did a three hour practice. The energy of so many people together doing this thing they love is amazing. You could feel the organic energy coming from people's fingertips in Virabhadrasana II (Warrior II). We did an exercise where we got in a huge circle and did Vrksasana (Tree Pose). We had to hold one another's shoulder blades up and stay for a bit. Then we had to lean back into the support of the circle. It was interesting to focus on your practice but also aiding in something bigger (the circle).
We had a early morning meditation on the beach with the whole group, and even my sister got into it. Rolf Gates talks about letting thoughts come into your mind, but then assigning them to a "boat" (he demonstrated this using the huge boats out on the water). So basically, if you think to yourself, "I wonder what I'll be doing a year from now," you assign it to the future boat and let it back out of your consciousness. He said not to dwell on things, but start to learn where your mind automatically goes. There is a love boat, regret boat, anger boat, gratitude boat, etc. It's important to learn more about ourselves.
We had another workshop for yoga teachers only that involved hands on assisting in yoga. It was a great workshop, and we learned a lot. It's normally not very comfortable for me to touch people or be touched, but when you let someone help you, your body learns a whole new dimension to the pose that you didn't know before (or didn't know you could do!) I normally can't do Wheel Pose ever because of my carpal tunnel, but by holding on to someone's ankles, I could do it. I feel like that class helped improve my teaching, but also my practice in general.
We also had a dharma talk and Kirtan concert with Girish. His voice is beautiful. The call and response thing was a little bit strange at first, but once you let yourself do it, it's a great experience. I even saw my 19-year-old sister singing some of the time, but don't tell her I told you! ;)
When the retreat part of the weekend was over, my family went to another yoga class at a local studio. The class was amazing, and it ended up being the "spiritual class" that the teacher had to lead for part of her 500hr training. She was so nervous, but we all were rooting for her. It was neat to be a part of someone's journey in that way. Plus, no wonder she was nervous; 4 new people showed up at her class and almost doubled the total amount of people!
The rest of the weekend was filled with the most amazing experiences. My family went out to eat at some great restaurants and went grocery shopping at the organic grocery store and ate in my parents' room (grocery shopping on vacation is one of our favorite things to do... we probably looked like we were moving in!). We laid by the pool and read books. We talked and walked on the boardwalk, got coffee, stopped and petted random dogs, just enjoyed one another's company. It was a great escape from normal life, and made me take a step back and remember what's really important.
First of all, I feel like I have to take a moment to consider how lucky I am. How many people can say that their whole family could go to a yoga retreat together? I mean maybe a person could get their spouse to go, but parents and their two daughters? I just think that's awesome. I am so incredibly blessed to have a family who can not only decide to go but appreciate and relish it. It's fantastic.
We arrived at Virginia Beach on Friday night. The hotel/conference center where we were staying looked, as my sister said, "like a cruise ship" complete with the spiral staircase and silver accent decor. The whole town of VA Beach looks like it is stuck in the 90s.... or maybe even earlier. But that was a cool part of it. I felt like I got transferred to some other time period where I could relax and forget the outside world for awhile. It was the perfect place to vacation. Friday night, the whole group of people (maybe 75?) got an introduction and did a three hour practice. The energy of so many people together doing this thing they love is amazing. You could feel the organic energy coming from people's fingertips in Virabhadrasana II (Warrior II). We did an exercise where we got in a huge circle and did Vrksasana (Tree Pose). We had to hold one another's shoulder blades up and stay for a bit. Then we had to lean back into the support of the circle. It was interesting to focus on your practice but also aiding in something bigger (the circle).
We had a early morning meditation on the beach with the whole group, and even my sister got into it. Rolf Gates talks about letting thoughts come into your mind, but then assigning them to a "boat" (he demonstrated this using the huge boats out on the water). So basically, if you think to yourself, "I wonder what I'll be doing a year from now," you assign it to the future boat and let it back out of your consciousness. He said not to dwell on things, but start to learn where your mind automatically goes. There is a love boat, regret boat, anger boat, gratitude boat, etc. It's important to learn more about ourselves.
We had another workshop for yoga teachers only that involved hands on assisting in yoga. It was a great workshop, and we learned a lot. It's normally not very comfortable for me to touch people or be touched, but when you let someone help you, your body learns a whole new dimension to the pose that you didn't know before (or didn't know you could do!) I normally can't do Wheel Pose ever because of my carpal tunnel, but by holding on to someone's ankles, I could do it. I feel like that class helped improve my teaching, but also my practice in general.
We also had a dharma talk and Kirtan concert with Girish. His voice is beautiful. The call and response thing was a little bit strange at first, but once you let yourself do it, it's a great experience. I even saw my 19-year-old sister singing some of the time, but don't tell her I told you! ;)
When the retreat part of the weekend was over, my family went to another yoga class at a local studio. The class was amazing, and it ended up being the "spiritual class" that the teacher had to lead for part of her 500hr training. She was so nervous, but we all were rooting for her. It was neat to be a part of someone's journey in that way. Plus, no wonder she was nervous; 4 new people showed up at her class and almost doubled the total amount of people!
The rest of the weekend was filled with the most amazing experiences. My family went out to eat at some great restaurants and went grocery shopping at the organic grocery store and ate in my parents' room (grocery shopping on vacation is one of our favorite things to do... we probably looked like we were moving in!). We laid by the pool and read books. We talked and walked on the boardwalk, got coffee, stopped and petted random dogs, just enjoyed one another's company. It was a great escape from normal life, and made me take a step back and remember what's really important.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
The Struggle
Yoga is a very personal and deep journey. Whether we being alone or with a friend or as part of a group, there is still a oneness to it. It is a voyage no one else can understand because it's different for everyone. It's like a shared experience of being individuals. For me, the concept of yoga runs through my blood. My whole family of psychologists has always focused on mindfulness and inner peace. So unlike the people who arrive at yoga through asana (the actual movements and poses), I came from the other side. The philosophy, the mindset - it all makes sense to me.
The practice of asana does not come so easily. In fact, being overweight can make asana kind of a struggle. But instead of getting frustrated, I find it paramount to my practice to be comfortable with the struggle. Once I can let it fade out of my awareness, I can really live. The struggle is part of what I love now. I connect the struggle with the tendency I have to struggle in my life. Deciding to live a healthy lifestyle or stop complaining is easy at first. The momentum keeps you going for awhile. But then there's the struggle - the frustration - of things not being so easy or going as planned. Then I want to give up. For so long, I've been so scared of that struggle that I haven't really lived life. Instead of trying to fix the struggle, sometimes I have to remind myself that it's a part of life... a part that defines you. I like the idea of using yoga to define who I am on all fronts. Yoga isn't a place you go or a thing you do. It's a congruent and peaceful way to live your life to the highest capacity. A way to connect body, mind, soul, heart, and intentions.
"It means a poise of the soul which enables one to look at life in all aspects evenly."
-Light on Yoga (Iyengar)
The practice of asana does not come so easily. In fact, being overweight can make asana kind of a struggle. But instead of getting frustrated, I find it paramount to my practice to be comfortable with the struggle. Once I can let it fade out of my awareness, I can really live. The struggle is part of what I love now. I connect the struggle with the tendency I have to struggle in my life. Deciding to live a healthy lifestyle or stop complaining is easy at first. The momentum keeps you going for awhile. But then there's the struggle - the frustration - of things not being so easy or going as planned. Then I want to give up. For so long, I've been so scared of that struggle that I haven't really lived life. Instead of trying to fix the struggle, sometimes I have to remind myself that it's a part of life... a part that defines you. I like the idea of using yoga to define who I am on all fronts. Yoga isn't a place you go or a thing you do. It's a congruent and peaceful way to live your life to the highest capacity. A way to connect body, mind, soul, heart, and intentions.
"It means a poise of the soul which enables one to look at life in all aspects evenly."
-Light on Yoga (Iyengar)
Sunday, February 13, 2011
A Short Term Goal
On March 26th, there is a 5k run in Montgomery. I decided that I'm going to start training for it. Even if I walk the whole thing, I am going to go, and I am going to finish it.
To get a baseline, I walked a 5k today. Mind you, I slept awfully last night and the baseline might be slightly low, but that just means more to improve upon right? Anyway, I finished the 3.11 miles in an hour and 43 seconds. On race day, I get an hour to get through. So as long as I shave 43 seconds off of my time, I'm good! Anything on top of that is just an improvement. I'd like to finish in under 45 minutes if possible, but really I just want to finish.
My weight is plateauing, and it is irritating me. This run serves as something else to focus on instead of getting lost in the irritation. (And hey, maybe training for a 5k will make the weight start coming off again!)
I realized that when you do this kind of thing for yourself and don't wait for others to make you do it, all of a sudden you get all the support in the world. People who I barely know are rooting for me, and it's inspiring. I guess people can tell a difference in whether your own spark is shining through. Because no one wants to help someone who won't help themselves. Trust me, I know.
To get a baseline, I walked a 5k today. Mind you, I slept awfully last night and the baseline might be slightly low, but that just means more to improve upon right? Anyway, I finished the 3.11 miles in an hour and 43 seconds. On race day, I get an hour to get through. So as long as I shave 43 seconds off of my time, I'm good! Anything on top of that is just an improvement. I'd like to finish in under 45 minutes if possible, but really I just want to finish.
My weight is plateauing, and it is irritating me. This run serves as something else to focus on instead of getting lost in the irritation. (And hey, maybe training for a 5k will make the weight start coming off again!)
I realized that when you do this kind of thing for yourself and don't wait for others to make you do it, all of a sudden you get all the support in the world. People who I barely know are rooting for me, and it's inspiring. I guess people can tell a difference in whether your own spark is shining through. Because no one wants to help someone who won't help themselves. Trust me, I know.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
A Commitment to Myself
For those of you who don't me, my name is Lacy. I'm 23 years old, and I'm a graduate student studying Psychology. I have the most supportive family anyone could ask for, and I love them with all my heart. My life is fantastic for the most part. The problem lies within a part of myself that I've hidden for a long time now.
I used to think that the problem was that I was overweight, but now I see that it's so much more than that. I'm not as happy as I could be because I hold myself back from being everything I can. I use food as an escape, and I've become quite a masterful escape artist. But let me tell you what I haven't been able to escape from yet...
Every day I feel trapped in my body. I look in the mirror and feel disgust and sadness. I'm unhappy with what I've let myself become. I admit, too many times, my desire to change has come from a bad place. From a self-hating and self-deprecating place where I'll never be good enough. I avoid going out because I can't find anything to wear that makes me feel like myself. When I do go out, I'm constantly pulling on my clothes, trying to make them sit right. But most of the time I just feel uncomfortable. I don't have a lot of energy, especially when I'm not eating well. When I eat bad food, I get to the point where nothing even sounds appetizing anymore. Food becomes a punishment. An escape from the world. I don't really eat bad food during the day. It's at night when I'm alone and hiding. It's not even just that I'm hiding from other people. If I could hide from myself, I would. I've been "conventionally attractive" before, and I've also been "fat." Fat is an ugly word. Everyone hates it. But it's the truth of the matter, and I'm not hiding from the truth anymore.
The way people look at me then versus now is insane. The whole world changes depending on how you look and how you feel. When I was thinner, the world was nice to me. People opened doors for me, smiled at me, were more helpful to me, and looked at me when they talked to me. What's funny is that people don't even realize how different they act to an overweight person. Now, it's not that people make fun of me. No one has ever called me names because I'm overweight. No one looks disgusted. Everyone just looks through me. I'm invisible. Even when people talk to me, they barely look me in the eyes anymore. Knowing how it feels on both sides of the spectrum is so interesting. I think because of that, I will always have a unique perspective on the issue that only other people who have been through the same thing will understand.
My professor once told me that the best thing you can do is just be understanding, because it's the only way you'll like yourself. Well, that's not just to other people. It extends to yourself as well. You have to understand yourself. Embrace who you are and don't be afraid of it.
I recently committed to Yoga Teacher Training, which is a 200 hour intense training experience in the art of yoga. YTT is a game-changer for me. I mean, it's a huge commitment... to myself and a better future.
Every time I've ever tried to lose weight and live right in the past, it's been "I have to do this" or "I want to do this." But I'm not sure I ever really believed myself. Now it's just, "I'm going to do this." No matter how long it takes, I will get there. I'm sure where "there" is yet, but I know I'm headed in the right direction. I'm living like the person I want to be... the person who has been there all along under this suit.
I start YTT in March. I'll be going to training almost every other weekend. Every weekend is 14 hours of training. And I have a lot of stuff to do at home too. But it will be good for me. I'll see myself transform mentally and physically. I can't wait to see who I am in October when the training is over. :)
I used to think that the problem was that I was overweight, but now I see that it's so much more than that. I'm not as happy as I could be because I hold myself back from being everything I can. I use food as an escape, and I've become quite a masterful escape artist. But let me tell you what I haven't been able to escape from yet...
Every day I feel trapped in my body. I look in the mirror and feel disgust and sadness. I'm unhappy with what I've let myself become. I admit, too many times, my desire to change has come from a bad place. From a self-hating and self-deprecating place where I'll never be good enough. I avoid going out because I can't find anything to wear that makes me feel like myself. When I do go out, I'm constantly pulling on my clothes, trying to make them sit right. But most of the time I just feel uncomfortable. I don't have a lot of energy, especially when I'm not eating well. When I eat bad food, I get to the point where nothing even sounds appetizing anymore. Food becomes a punishment. An escape from the world. I don't really eat bad food during the day. It's at night when I'm alone and hiding. It's not even just that I'm hiding from other people. If I could hide from myself, I would. I've been "conventionally attractive" before, and I've also been "fat." Fat is an ugly word. Everyone hates it. But it's the truth of the matter, and I'm not hiding from the truth anymore.
The way people look at me then versus now is insane. The whole world changes depending on how you look and how you feel. When I was thinner, the world was nice to me. People opened doors for me, smiled at me, were more helpful to me, and looked at me when they talked to me. What's funny is that people don't even realize how different they act to an overweight person. Now, it's not that people make fun of me. No one has ever called me names because I'm overweight. No one looks disgusted. Everyone just looks through me. I'm invisible. Even when people talk to me, they barely look me in the eyes anymore. Knowing how it feels on both sides of the spectrum is so interesting. I think because of that, I will always have a unique perspective on the issue that only other people who have been through the same thing will understand.
My professor once told me that the best thing you can do is just be understanding, because it's the only way you'll like yourself. Well, that's not just to other people. It extends to yourself as well. You have to understand yourself. Embrace who you are and don't be afraid of it.
I recently committed to Yoga Teacher Training, which is a 200 hour intense training experience in the art of yoga. YTT is a game-changer for me. I mean, it's a huge commitment... to myself and a better future.
Every time I've ever tried to lose weight and live right in the past, it's been "I have to do this" or "I want to do this." But I'm not sure I ever really believed myself. Now it's just, "I'm going to do this." No matter how long it takes, I will get there. I'm sure where "there" is yet, but I know I'm headed in the right direction. I'm living like the person I want to be... the person who has been there all along under this suit.
I start YTT in March. I'll be going to training almost every other weekend. Every weekend is 14 hours of training. And I have a lot of stuff to do at home too. But it will be good for me. I'll see myself transform mentally and physically. I can't wait to see who I am in October when the training is over. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)